Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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