dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
