I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
