I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
