while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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