And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I still have a little drunk in my system
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
