I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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