I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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