Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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