I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Randomize
