I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
