Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I have so many feelings about this burrito
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
