just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
