Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
