Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
