when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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