I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
