it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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