if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
