guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
