you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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