I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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