Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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