I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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