:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
