I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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