I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
