The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
