Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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