I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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