The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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