Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
