worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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