I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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