bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You smell like a Billy Joel song
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
