ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
