I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He felt like a one man threesome
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
