Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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