Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
