I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
