Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
