I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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