How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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