WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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