he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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