i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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