oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
