Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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