Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
