You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm like, not good at living.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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